Baptism 08-20-3023
Noah Phongxaysanith
Whether it be directly through the nurturing of my parents and Sunday school teachers, or indirectly through the way I've been treated by various Christians that I've had a chance to interact with, all 16 years, 10 months, and 2 days of my life I've been exposed to Christianity. At the age of 5 I made the decision to accept the Holy Spirit into my heart and trust Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, yet I hadn't quite figured out what that meant. I grew up learning the dogma and doctrine but never understood it. In my early teenager years I fell for lust, jealousy, selfishness, idolatry, and pride. Some church camps during Middle school caused me to begin understand the weight of my sin but it didn't lead me to Christ, it only separated me. I thought God couldn't possibly love someone who constantly messes up. I became lazy and shameful. My lack of confidence led me to pursue something that would make me feel whole. I started my search for joy. Material things provided me with short phases of happiness but I quickly lost satisfaction in those things. I started looking for satisfaction in friendships; however, even friendships didn't fulfill my desire for joy, it only added to my selfishness. My selfishness made me jealous of other people and their confidence. While I was aware that jealousy was an issue, I never chose to address it. I let the flame of my jealousy grow silently stronger until it got to a point where it significantly hindered my ability to love others. During beach camp of 2022 I found myself in wonder of God's creation, I learned that I could trust God and that he was ultimately in control. The spiritual wonder I felt is what caused me to dig just a little bit deeper into my faith. After beach camp, however, jealousy went on and it started breaking my friendships apart. very shortly after camp I lost one of my closest friends. Some of my friendships were intact, but nevertheless I felt alone. I found that my desire for steadfast joy was impossible to satisfy with anything in the world. Eventually I recalled that God was in control, and I had a feeling that he wanted me to learn something from this. C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity that "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim; well, there is such a thing as water. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." One of the most beautiful things about humans is that we don't find full satisfaction in anything Earthly. We have an instinct to search for satisfaction of a desire that we label as joy. After reflection I came to the conclusion that I had to look outside of the world for the fulfillment of what felt like it was missing. I learned that I didn't want just acceptance, I wanted more acceptance. I asked God to reveal his character to me. As I read through the Scriptures I learned more about the grace of God. In Romans 8:1 Paul wrote that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Suddenly I understood that God still loves me despite my sin and sent Jesus for that reason. God didn't need to do anything for us, but he chose to rescue us from eternal suffering if we have faith that his son, Jesus, took our punishment for sin. The deeper I fell into the grace of God, the less my guilt and shame separated me from God. In fact, it felt as if it drew me closer to Him. I was driven to repentance. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 7:10 "For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." Since this revelation, God has given me the strength to resist my past temptations. The lustful desires of my flesh have gotten weaker because I now seek purity, jealousy towards others is less because the God of the universe affirms me, and my struggle with pride is not as strong knowing that I did nothing to deserve God's grace.